Last night while the weary world was fast asleep - while I myself lay warm in my bed - while my other half smiled and continued with her blissful life on the other side of the world, I dreamed. It was a dream that pulled me through the far reaches of my soul, the blanket of painful scratches and scars that litter my entire body, the reasons why I am the way I am... The blasphemous curse that's already wittled away so much of my heart and soul, and the gentle hands of a woman that's been trying so frantically to collect them and piece me back together.
It was a dream that you yourself were in, for you were a quintessential part of my history that spanned a damnable amount of time - a part of my life that's ripped away shreds of my soul and blown them out with the stormy west winds. I dreamt of what you used to be, and unlike you... I will not use names to say who you are. I'm not going to sink low enough to bring any variables into the playing field. I'm not going to attempt to slander your name, no... I'll let you do that yourself. But I will speak my mind and say what I mean, and I will not hold back under the guise that this will eventually pain me more... No. You lost that power over me last night. But let's say for a second that I am a wizard and as of now I've thrown my firey sparkles of magic dust into your eyes, spun on my heel with my cloak billowing wide, and brought you back to just over two years ago.
This is when, darling, you still had poetry written in your eyes - and not a single word you placed on paper was marred or broken apart by the disgusting foulness you've allowed to wash over you. This is when sad things still made you cry and when there was still beauty in your fingertips beyond the realm of mortal perfection. This... This is when you still had your spell wound tightly over me - when i would still have died for you to make you happy. Do you remember - or has all that been replaced now too by this confusion and mockery that's come to life in your sheer horrid simplicity? I remember it. I remember it well, but I will not allow it to haunt me like other things have, because death - though painful - happens. Your soul died fast forward a year later, and I mourned it, I let it pass through the hourglass and buried you in the recesses of my mind. But now? Now no doves nor dawn shall rise for you, but instead a tear shall fall for you in memory of what you once were. This is why I said that I didn't want children with you down towards the very end...
In April, I knew the score and I quietly resigned, I quietly stepped away because that was when you stopped saying 'I love you'... and oh in what dreams may come, eh? In the summer.... I knew your wild style, your wicked absolutions, the way you drowned yourself just to fit in. You always were a chameleon, and I always told you that... Remember the little old lady you laughed at because she didn't dye her hair right? Yes. That was when I first saw you change your colors for the sake of being with friends. But that's alright, because by September I started collecting myself, in October.... Oh I found something that twisted and changed me - and I fought against it. in late December... I fell apart. What would you have done if I really had gotten there in time? Oh no... Don't answer that... I don't really want to know. in January... I began to weep. In February? You sent me to Hell with your lies when I knew the truth and god I know how you hoped I'd die... But in March? I was ressurrected from my own self-imposed mental grave. I gave in to the hands of someone who'd been silently asking me to be with her... Someone I gave so much more to over the year then you could ever imagine... She is the reason why I can't hate you.
You see... I want to hate you, I've said that I hate you, I've cursed the day you were born and dropped bombs on the times I spent with you. In reality? I can't hate you. With all of your lying, your cheating, your fragments of life - circa November is when my 'I love you's stopped being true beyond being towards the person I lost two years ago. You brought her to me, you brought her into my heart, you let me see the tenderness that surrounds her. You let me see the pieces of the puzzle that were missing - and I moved on. The only thing I did wrong, however, was give you a signifigant piece of my past.
keep it.
It hurt her to have to lie to you last night to try and get back something I never asked for. It savaged her to attempt to rid your claws from me once and for all - sad... You managed to scratch me again, but this scratch is healing fast because I've come to the decision that maybe I can burry two memories in one ashen grave.
My mother's brought me a secret, yet again, and she's given me a new lease on life, yet again. Perhaps it was a sign that all of my sorrow and my sadness should be lost and cast away with my thoughts for you for I can't explain what else compelled me to send such a piece (that you mock so openly for being broken) to you. You are more then welcome to keep it, fair one, for I have no need for it now that it's been in your hands and locked away in your 'safe place' to collect dust and not be seen by others. Oh it hurts me something awful to think that those garnets will never burn like fire in the sunlight ever again. It hurts to think that over time it will become more brittle and break apart. But it is a tragic piece of history and history is often lost due to the carelessness of others. I can survive this. In fact, history is often destroyed... I welcome you to take hammer, stone, fire, anything you want to it and to send me the photos - or send my future wife the photos of it laying there crushed and bruised. For I will never go to you again in life regardless of the affair. I have nothing more in my life to you aside from my distinctive gratitude for allowing me to move on.
You didn't think that I could forget you like this, did you? For that I'm sorry. I suppose I lied to you when I said that you would be my last, but who was I to forsee that while you were away and with him that I would fall in love with someone who actually cared? Fate is a funny, fickle girl.
And now? Now the spell is completely broken and both of us have been released to move on in our world. I'm free to write my poetry and find the beauty that you only aided in it's resurfacing. I'm free to love her. And you? You're free to continue down this path you walk, however jaded it may be.
The sea is what brought you and I together - and it's what has brought you are I apart. I am forever in her debt, you see... For she's given me my heart back, she's given me a path to forge to a land where magic waits around every corner and there's no doubt in my mind, after I cross her waters to that special place I've found, that I will remember you in the mornings when I lay there in the fruits of summer and autumn allowing the sun's first golden light to be shed over my shoulders, while birds sing their myriad of songs while playing hide and seek in the trees, while my lover rests pure and honest in my arms. But they will not be memories that illict a smile beyond the knowledge that you were the witch that gave me all of this. We've made our home by the sea - and even in the snows of out stateside home, I will not stop to think of two horses dancing in the snow... Not the same two horses, anyway. One will be the color of silver and gunmetal and the product of two creatures that once were so divine... the other will be black as the night and hold them in her enlightened eyes - and she is not a dancer beyond the ideals of what a graceful thing she really is. I smile just thinking of them, our horses of the tides.
but for now? I bid you farewell with parting wishes that you will climb high again to touch the stars with your fingertips as you once used to, that magic will be created by your fingertips, that words will flow like a gentle stream from your soul and onto paper, that you will live long and in complete comfort. Good luck, my friend.
Goodbye.
PS: you remember how I told you that you were my savior? That you had shown me God? To come completely clean... I meant that only because you had brought me closer to the only woman who's ever loved me completely. I'll be going home soon, and I want to go home with a compltely cleared and a clean slate so that I have nothing to hide and nothing left for you to claim of me save your trinkets that you seem to keep such a desperate hold on for reasons unknown... Never-the-less you've pulled me from my Hell, given me a reason to live and that is why you will always be known as a savior despite the pain you've dealt to me. Please... Add that to your box of now meaningless things.
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